5 AM Prelude | Exactly one year ago I was wide awake and extremely thirsty. But calm. And excited. But surprisingly calm. What a moment it is when a woman is about to become a mother. It's the most beautiful unknown I will ever experience. I was filled with so much wonder. I had no idea just how much my life would change or how much I could love another human. Because until you become a parent, that is only something you can look forward to. And there is beauty in that too. And then it happens and you are just like "ok life, I see you". And now I'm living.
I loved this entire experience. The good, the not so pretty, and the uncomfortable. Because all you can think about is you're meeting your baby and you are getting her out of you. And you get to take her home. So when you go in to have your "C Baby", you walk in the room and there are about a dozen strangers. And nothing can prepare you for the fact that you are about to be laying on an operating table naked and afraid in a dead froggy pose. Nothing except for drugs. And so it goes, a giant needle in your back. I mostly remember sitting on a cold table while they were giving me the spinal with my backside exposed and I was feeling so vulnerable. Once those bad boys kick in you are like "Ok, let's do this, let's have a baby". Your entire body is numb. It is for certain the most alien feeling I will have ever felt in my life. Because you are being cut open with a knife but it feels like someone is running a feather across your mid section. And you just feel so...HIGH.
And after five minutes, I hear "here's your baby, Alissa" and my doctor holds her up above the curtain and all I could hear was "Nants ingonyama bagithi baba Sithi uhhmm ingonyama Ingonyama". No, this is not a typo- I literally pictured her as simba (because drugs). And I see her and I want to cry, but honestly I was SO out of it. I heard her cry and then I heard my husband say "she's so beautiful" in the most sincere, gentle tone. Then I heard him repeating the time of her birth as if it was her measurements and thinking it was funny but I was still too out of it to actually laugh. And then its the moment I had been waiting for: the nurse brings over my baby and puts her on my chest. At this point, they are still putting my organs back into place and sewing me back up and my anesthesia is in it's peak. I look at her and think "oh man she is so sweet. She is my daughter. I made that. I had that inside of me for 9 months". And it became too much. I was so out of it and I instantly asked the nurse to take her away. My instinct was- "no, I don't want to hold my baby for the first time when I am this drugged up" and I was feeling so very loopy. I still feel guilt to this day about this. A moment that is pure bliss for most, was a feeling of uncertainty for me.
All of a sudden I hear the surgical team telling me that the baby is going to be taken into our post-op room and my husband was going with her while they were finishing up my surgery. What a weird feeling. You just had a baby, life literally came out of you, and then you're alone with your thoughts and you are just like "whoah I can't feel my legs".
Before I could say morpine I was being wheeled into my post-op room. I was slowly S L O W L Y feeling more myself. I remember seeing people in the halls as they wheeled me out and thinking "wow I just had a baby". It was as if it was written on my forehead. Well, technically it was written on my hospital bracelet.
I was wheeled into my room and was so happy to see my parents, my MIL, and my husband. I remember saying "did you see her, did you see her?". The nurses were giving her shots and getting her ready for me to feed her when I came in. And they put her on my chest to feed. I will share more about my breast feeding (or lack there of) story another time because it is literally another story.
We were in the post-op room for an hour and a half or so. I was enjoying having my parents and MIL there because they brought me so much comfort. Everley was smiling and sucking her thumb and making us laugh ALREADY.
We were then taken to our room where we would be for three nights and four days. OH MY GOODNESS. We seriously got so lucky. We got the largest room on the corner. It was HUGE. It made my entire experience so enjoyable. You would think everything else would be a blur because you have this beautiful new baby, but it was awesome. I remember laying there with my new baby in my arms, having the company of our family, and watching the wind blow in the trees and a little rain fall on the window. What a feeling. I remember it vividly. How beautiful.
During our stay we had a few special visitors. Auntie Ten Ten, Auntie Darcie, Auntie Tor, Grandpa Hummel, and Uncle Wes. How much fun it was to get to introduce this tiny human to some of the most important people in our (and now her) life.
The nights were long and exhausting and I had a few breakdowns, but just like that we found ourselves standing in an elevator with a cute little person that we made and I remember saying "so it begins".