Why it Doesn't Get Easier: A Love Letter to My Daughter

When I  was pregnant I was (as most first time parents are) a bit scared of what was ahead. First of all, there are so many things that come with a baby. The special bathing products, the fancy temperature reading bath, the nose frieda (that was such a foreign concept to me pre-baby), the first aid things, the aspirator, the swaddles, the different sleep sacks, the owlet-the list never ends. And then you have to know how to use them. And on top of that you learn why baby does things the way she does when she does them, etc. It's intimidating and not something that you can really learn in a two hour "getting ready for baby class". These lessons had to come with time and experience and your baby actually being earth-side.

Then I had her. As I took one sigh of relief and said "ok, I got this. I can do this", in would come a whole new set of worries. First, we had two weeks of breast feeding issues followed by a diagnose of acute laryngomalacia. Hearing your baby (or what sounds like) gasp for air at nine days old on Christmas Eve was a nightmare. And learning what it was was scary. Then I google it and learned my baby had it easier than a lot of kids. And then I take that deep breath of relief again. Then the tummy issues came. And I can go on, but this post isn't meant for details about Everley's ailments. 

I remember when she was around two months old I would think that I wanted her to be *just* a little bit bigger because she was so fragile and little it was scary. But she was also so tiny and cute it I didn't want her to grow. 

And then she got bigger and at around four months she started to sit up. And then I thought "well, this is scary- now she can literally sit up and fall off of anything". And then I couldn't wait for her to be fully sitting up. 

At six months she started to sleep on her tummy. Insert straight faced emoji here. I cannot tell you how many times I put my hand on her back to feel the up and down of her breath. But she knew how to lift her head so why was I so scared? Oh, because I'm a mom.

Then the crawling. And the bumping of the head. Oh man. Most common used expressions in our household included "do other kids bump their heads this much?", "should it be red like that?", "why does she seem so out of it", and "a yellow bruise is good, right?". 

And now that she's learning to walk it's an entire new set of worries. The tumbling, the pulling herself up onto things, and still the head bumping. 

So when people say "it gets easier as time goes on-you find your groove" or "it's easier as they get bigger" I just don't agree. 

Motherhood is scary and it's hard. But it's rewarding and magical and the best thing I have ever done. I was meant for this. And as time goes on, I may "feel" more experienced and I may "feel" more adequate but I will not let my guard down. 

I will never stop worrying about you, Everley Scout. Because the truth is, every single day that you are alive I fall more madly and deeply in love with you. So if something happens to you today, it will hurt more than it did yesterday and less than it will tomorrow. ​

Photos: Acqua Photo Romper: Everly B Bonnet: Rylee and Cru Cake and Baby: Made by Me